Beyond Expectations: A Muslim Woman’s Path to Fulfillment

In June 2024, ISIP had the honor of hosting Sister Hajira Firdouse, an esteemed therapist, for our International Lecture Series. Sister Hajira holds a Master of Science (MSc) degree in Psychology, focusing on counseling, clinical, child, and industrial psychology. She has published a case report in the Academy of Pediatrics and has been quoted by notable media outlets such as The Quint. Her expertise spans various psychology domains, and her research and insights have been recognized by both academic and media platforms. Her talk focused on the dynamics of modern marital relationships and the essential role of parenting within the Islamic framework.

Emotional and Practical Differences
Sister Hajira began by highlighting the inherent differences between men and women. She explained that men are generally more practical, while women tend to be more emotionally driven and nurturing. These differences, if not understood and respected, can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts in relationships.

Impact of Social Media and External Influences
The lecture touched upon the detrimental impact of social media and Western ideologies on men and women. Just as women can be influenced by online trends, men too can fall prey to misconceptions about masculinity propagated through various media channels. She also discussed the concept of real versus fake masculinity, emphasizing how social media influences ideals and behaviors in both males and females. The distorted portrayals of masculinity and femininity in media can create unrealistic expectations and pressures, making it harder to sustain a healthy marital bond.

Roles and Responsibilities in Marriage
A significant portion of the talk focused on understanding and fulfilling roles and responsibilities within marriage. Sister Hajira stressed that marriage is not just about individual autonomy but about mutual respect and support. She reminded the audience of the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) regarding kindness and fulfilling duties towards one’s spouse. Marriage is considered half of one’s faith in Islam, demanding sincere effort and dedication.

Expectations and Dynamics in Marriage
Sister Hajira elaborated on the different expectations men and women bring into marriage. She quoted that women often think about changing their husbands to fit their ideals, whereas men typically do not want their wives to change at all, preferring them as they were at the beginning of the relationship. This fundamental difference can lead to conflicts if not addressed properly.
She advised women to master the balance of power and pleasure play, finding a middle ground between being submissive and dominant. Women should contribute to decision-making but be ready to follow their husbands’ lead, creating a sense of honour and respect within the marriage.
Friendship vs. Frenemies in Marriage
The concept of being best friends rather than frenemies in marriage was another key theme. Harboring resentment and anger towards one’s spouse undermines the relationship. Couples should strive to be each other’s best friends, offering support, understanding, and respect. Social media often promotes conflict and disrespect, but Islamic teachings advocate patience and harmony.

Parenting and Career Challenges
Sister Hajira expressed concern over the increasing reliance on screen time and daycare, which can lead to developmental delays in children. She emphasized that modern parenting is not just about reducing screen time but also about increasing the quality time mothers spend with their children. “Time is money for children,” she stressed, highlighting the importance of being present.

While pursuing careers is important, the primary duty of raising well-rounded, ethical children should not be neglected. She urged parents, especially mothers, to prioritize their roles as caregivers and to be involved in their children’s upbringing.

Balancing Career and Home Life
The talk also addressed the challenges faced by career-oriented women and the expectations placed on them. Sister Hajira highlighted the importance of balancing career aspirations with the responsibilities of marriage and motherhood. She advised women to treat being a wife and mother as a full-time career, emphasizing the need for mutual support and understanding between spouses.
Understanding In-Laws and Maintaining Harmony

Respecting in-laws and maintaining a harmonious relationship with them was another crucial topic. Women should honor their in-laws’ space and not make changes in their households without permission. Men should support their wives emotionally during the transition to a new family environment. Effective communication and conflict resolution are essential for a successful marriage. Sister Hajira advised against harsh language and recommended addressing issues calmly and respectfully. Feedback and open communication, while maintaining a high moral ground and mutual respect, are crucial.
The lecture also touched upon mental health issues, including narcissistic personality disorder and depression. Seeking help and support when needed should not be taboo. Proper support and guidance can lead to improvement.

Final Thoughts
Sister Hajira concluded by reminding the audience of the ultimate goal in marriage: to please Allah and attain Jannah. By fostering a loving, respectful, and supportive relationship, couples can achieve worldly happiness and spiritual fulfillment. Women should focus on their character, fulfill their duties towards their husbands, and strive for excellence as wives and mothers.
This insightful lecture by Sister Hajira Firdouse provided practical advice and spiritual guidance for navigating the complexities of modern marital relationships and parenting within the Islamic framework. Her emphasis on understanding, respect, and mutual support resonated deeply with the audience, offering valuable lessons for building strong, harmonious families.